Guilt
by PerfectCell17
Summary: Gohan's fellings about Goku's death in the Cell Games.


Guilt  
  
I sit in my room, thinking, I tend to do that alot now. Ever since that day, I just can't seem to do anything else, can't seem to get it off my mind. It haunts my dreams, and my reality. I can't help but feel guilty, for I know it was my fault. Everyone tells me it wasn't, but deep down I know it was. If only I had listened to you, if only I hadn't let my power go to my head, maybe you'd still be here.  
  
I look at mother, crying and depressed, knowing her love is lost. Knowing that her family will never be complete, something will always be missing. She hasn't been the same. She always seems so down, so lost, like she doesn't know what to do. Her once smiling and caring face has been replaced with one of depression and sorrow. I know all of this is my fault, her hurt, her pain. It's all because I wasn't listening to you. It hurts knowing I could have prevented her pain.  
  
As for Goten, the son you never got to know. He is so innocent and trusting, always looking up to me. Every once in a while he'll ask me where his father has gone, why isn't her here. I usually just tell him that he saved the earth, not having the heart to tell him that it was my fault. That he will never meet him because of my foolish arrogance. Everytime I look at him I see you, same face, same hair, same innocence. Sometimes I can't even go near him, it brings back that memory that I hope to one day forget.  
  
Krillin hasn't been the same either. I can see the hurt in his eyes, knowing his best friend is gone, and this time he's not coming back. Even though he now has a family, he still looks like he isn't complete. Like something in his life is missing, you. He tells me that is wasn't my fault, but I know that in some way he must blame me. Afterall I'm the one who took his life long friend away.  
  
Even Vegeta has been affected by all of this. His rival, the one who he spent years of training to surpass, is gone. He almost seems as though he has nothing to work for now, nobody to try to surpass. He says that he could care less whether you're alive or dead, but his eyes say something else. It almost seems as though a piece of him died, knowing he will never have the chance to prove his strength against you. I'm the one who took that cahnce away from him. He, like the others, has also told me that it wasn't me fault, saying that's just the way you were.  
  
Not to mention you, I took away your life. You might as well say I'm the one who killed you, I didn't give you much other choice. It was either you scarifice yourself for my mistake or make the whole planet suffer for what I did wrong. I'm the reason you're not here with us anymore, the reason you've missed out on the past seven years of our lives. Not being able to see your second born son, not being able to go to your best friends wedding, because of me.  
  
I can't say I blame you for not wanting to come back. Why would you want to be with the son who caused your death? Why would you want to come back to your failure of a son? I know you made up the story of not wanting to come back because you seem to attract the villains, so you could save me from the truth, the true reason you didn't want to come back. Because of me. What I did to you was unforgivable, there was no excuse for not listening to you. I guess you saw that too.  
  
The guilt I feel from this is unbearable, not to mention the grief. Knowing that I'm the reason you can't train with me anymore, the reason you can't take me fishing. The reason that we will never be a family again. It's my fault that Goten will never meet his father, mine. It's my fault that everyone has been put through this grief. If only I had listened to you, if only I had done like you told me to, you'd be here.  
  
I can't take the guilt anymore. It's overwhelming. Sometimes I just break down and cry from it. It weighs down on my soul, bringing me down with it. Sometimes I think it would have been better if Cell had just blown up the earth, then our whole family could be together, even if it's not in this dimension. But that's not the way it happened, and now I'm stuck here, feeling the pain, feeling the guilt.  
  
Like I said, I usually sit in my room thinking. Thinking about what I did to you and the others, it's unforgiveable. I sit in my room waiting, waiting to die, waiting to be with you. But until then I will just remain here, sitting in my room, reliving that awful day.  
  
A/N: Okay if you didn't know that was frim Gohan's p.o.v. about Goku dying during the Cell Games.  
  
Sorry it was so short and well sucky, but I just needed to express my feelings. I've been having a really depressing day. Well anyways, please let me know what you think, I would greatly appreciate it! 


End file.
